...

its been a damn hot minute since i've written to the blog. i just havent had a moment to sit and write! but now's a perfect time. everyone is asleep, im caffeinated, i just ate some good soup. let's go.

as you may know, i work in koikatsu and clip studio paint to create my works. ive honestly been doing this for about 7 years now, right back to koikatsu's initial release on April 27, 2018. hell, i even played the demo. i still have that card, too. but she's changed drastically since initial creation.

that all being said, it wasn't always like this. i actually began my art journey waaaaaaaaayyy back when i was in 3rd grade, with lined paper, mechanical pencils, and my DSi.

illustrating as a hurt child

_{(gee, umi. can you be any more dramatic?)}

i technically have been drawing as soon as i could hold a crayon. i think most of us have. i was just one of the few out there who kept with it as they progressed through life.

that being said, i didnt get serious about it until i was roughly in 3rd grade. i was about nine or ten, and i had just been getting into this wonderful thing of Japanese Animation!

specifically, sailor moon and shugo chara. a little bit of naruto, too. pokemon, sonic X, and later on things like chobits and elfen lied (i was, actually 11 or 12 when i watched those... um, i really shouldn't have been.)

bottom line, i wanted to draw anime! and thus, the art journey begun.

from what i remember, i was one of the better artists in my age group. i practiced non-stop, i researched, my mother was an artist herself and she supported me.

along with being The Artist of my peers... i was also their target.

im not trying to sound dramatic here. but im serious. all throughout my schooling, up until the tail end of 11th grade and all of 12th, i was bullied absolutely relentlessly.

for what? i honest to god have no idea. i was usually just There, existing. but something ive come to learn later on, it seems like kids can spot out neurodivergent kids with scary accuracy. and they always seem to target them for whatever reason.

on top of neurodivergence, i was also, to put it bluntly, abused and neglected at home. i wont go into the thick of it now. but let's just say i now have been diagnosed with C-PTSD, DID, and BPD as a result.

this all being said, i noticed something early on as i worked on my art skills. if i drew something other people enjoyed, they were less likely to harm me in any way. they might even praise me! this is good!

so i did my very fucking best to my ability at the time to draw perfectly. well, maybe not perfectly. but to a point where it would gain approval, praise, and most importantly, safety. ...so, basically perfect.

this became problematic as soon as i started receiving critique on my work. usually it was with good intentions. but every time it happened... i got horrifically scared. i would often break down and cry. maybe its the simple fact that perceived rejection hurts. but later i realized; it was because i was afraid i would be hurt or punished.

it wasn't unlikely. you see, this didn't only apply to art. it applied to daily tasks and activities, too. if i did something agreeable, i would get praise, and safety. and if i did something nonagreeable... i was usually lashed out at.

so whenever someone critiqued my work, or tell me i should fix something, i would get very upset. i knew that usually it was with good intentions (although i've had some straight up trolls in my day too), but i was just so overcome with fear... i couldnt rationalize it.

as time went on, i drew less and less for myself, and more and more for others. my friends, my peers, my teachers, my mental health care team, my family, strangers online... but never for myself.

and this followed me into adulthood, unfortunately.

i did have a six year break, as soon as i moved away from home. it was due to a total burnout, however.

i had initially given up on drawing once before... but later on, i once again picked up the pencil. and i was... rusty. extremely rusty.

and that fear, that need to draw for safety... it never left, even throughout those six years.

koikatsu as a medium

some time passed and such. i moved back home with my mom and sister. i was stuck with my ipad for a while, so i drew on that. and then one day, my girlfriend set up parsec for me before getting my PC back to me. and i could play with koikatsu again through parsec on my shitty 2017 macbook running windows 10.

and i kinda got obsessed again, haha.

due to the nature of koikatsu, i felt like i could be incredibly self indulgent. i could do whatever i wanted. i could make things for me. a friend of mine pointed out to me that due to koi being initially a hentai game, it makes it easier to indulge.

at some point, i dont really recall, i once again decided to give up drawing. but "giving up" isn't entirely the case, i guess? my drawing skills tend to play a good part in how i made scenes and characters.

when i was in high school, i took some college level art classes. and some things stuck with me. basic color theory, composition, etc. in addition, i also draw/paint my own textures. and im currently picking up bits and pieces of character design as i go along.

i suppose, "giving up" isn't a good word here. perhaps, its more like, "switching mediums." i firmly believe that anything and everything can be used to create art. and koikatsu is one of those things.

plus, i do some post processing in clip studio paint sometimes, too. some of it requires drawing additions. my drawing skills play a role there, too!

self expression and healing

because koikatsu allows me to be so self indulgent, i felt that i could freely express myself through this as a medium. it also helps that i have my partners who support my endeavors, and the 80 something people who follow me on bluesky (as of writing this). yeah, its not like, viral numbers or anything. but imagine if you had yourself and 80 other people in a room together. that's... A LOT!

having so much support, even for my weirder, fetishy stuff... it's deeply encouraging. but not only because people like my stuff... because im making shit for myself as the target audience. and even if people dont care for it... im still safe from harm. because like... a lot of people i encounter nowadays, i realize are normal. grown up. mature. and sometimes, even kind.

the people who have hurt me before... they're long out of my life, have gotten better and matured, or are simply just dead. they cant and wont hurt me.

plus, i had been diagnosed with BPD the other day. and i feel like, we finally are starting to get to the root of many issues. i begin possibly intensive DBT therapy in the coming weeks. and i am confident it will work. because ive done it a little before, and even those little bits had been immensely helpful.

will you ever come back to drawing full time?

it's uncertain at the moment. i dont want to say no, and then pick it back up later. and vice versa; i dont want to say yes, and then never come back to it.

i actually havent completely stopped, either, to be honest. i actually recently drew a mock-up/concept thing of a logo used in universe to a setting i'm developing.

2D art is just more not going to be my primary focus at this time.

what else is new?

all of... whatever this is, aside...

regarding my plans for koikatsu art making... im wanting to tell a story. will it be a good one? doesn't matter. i like telling stories.

i've been wanting to use koi for a medium of story telling for a while now... im still figuring out how i'd like to do it. and the setting. and characters... and, everything, really.

but it will be weird. i guess, i dunno. i want it to be weird.

regarding plans for this site... i would like to work on expanding it eventually. current ideas are;

• character bios
• stories
• comics
• an rss feed

one last thing!

psst... hey. you want a render from me? now you can, as commissions are currently open! check out my commissions page for more details.

alternatively, if you wish to just donate, you may do so on my ko-fi page.

regardless if you throw cash at me or not, i always appreciate your support!

thanks for reading! i hope you have a good timezone! i'll leave you with some illustrations i've done in the past.